ANIME REVIEW | The Ballad of Peter The Flaccid

In a magical land far beyond time
Stood a kingdom where the mightiest bells did chime
A warrior so noble, so quick, and fair
Possessing a strength that came ‘round so rare
Each warrior that stood across his way
Found themselves beaten and gone astray
With victory in hand, the kings did declare
That Peter Grill was the greatest soldier of land, sea, and air

Peter stood firm, with heart quite a-flutter
As his beloved Luvelia made him melt like butter
They swore an oath to stay true and pure
Till the day that they wed, with acts so mature
Alas for poor Peter, for his plan would soon fail
No thanks to four ladies who bone, bonk, and nail
Two ogre warriors, an elf, and a piggy
Would force Peter’s manhood to get far too biggie

Try as he could, Sir Grill shan’t escape
From the steamy bed chambers that kept his fate
No matter the strength of his heart and his love
He couldn’t fight off the blessings given from above
Though his willpower was strong, and his word be it lofty
His loins yearned passion till his iron went softy
But as the prime of all beauty stood to take his seed
Luvelia still was his one love, as he swore by his creed

Day in and day out, he fought tooth and nail
To keep himself proper, as sturdy as steel
But Mimi and Lisa had their own goals
To take Peter’s trunk and plant it in their holes
Sir Grill tried hard to run from their grasp
But couldn’t resist when their clothing unclasped
He’d bear them children far stronger than Zeus
With the eggs of an ogre and a human’s life juice

More trouble came from Vegan the elf
Who wanted Sir Peter all to herself
With curse placed hard unto his member
Peter’s arousal could last past forever
Giving in to demands, the warrior yielded
And gave his loving to Vegan, completely unshielded
Broken once more, Peter tried with his might
To keep his love for Luvelia closely in sight

That’s when Piglette came ‘round his parts
An orc girl whose beauty could steal many hearts
Her kindness was strong, her manner quite shy
And a demeanor that can woo any guy
Peter, with heart as mighty as stone,
Would aid Piglette’s quest for Orcland's throne
But as the job looked done, in a blink of an eye,
Piglette took Peter’s man goo, making him cry

And thus a pact was made to abide
To the four seed-takers’ “Philosopher’s Time”
With no say in the contract, Peter felt defeat
As nights of deep passion strained out his meat
His secret so close to coming on out
It left the weak warrior wanting to shout
But as sunshine glistened unto the kingdom
Peter’s love for Luvelia blew up like a big bomb

The charade continues, much to Peter’s objection
As his heart can’t defeat his mighty erection
Try as he should, he couldn’t push back
The ladies who wanted Peter’s gravy to jack
What more can be said about Peter Grill
And the Philosopher’s Time, except that you will
Laugh with delight at all of the antics
That cause dear Peter to act so damn frantic

Its animation’s great, ‘cept for that damn light
That blocks out the most bountiful and bouncy of sights
In both native Japanese and Sentai’s dub
The voice cast delivers their lines with much fun
A soundtrack worthy of a mock fantasy
And theme song co-written by Tom-H@ck with glee
It’s risqué and naughty, far hotter than chili
But Peter Grill and the Philosopher’s Time is merry, cheeky, and silly!

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Voice Acting: (Japanese & English dubs)
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Peter Grill and the Philosopher’s Time can be viewed on HIDIVE, VRV, and Crunchyroll. It has been licensed by Sentai Filmworks. Episodes 1-10 were observed for this review. Promotional consideration provided by HIDIVE and Ellation.

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