GAME REVIEW | Hilarious Lewdness In Challenging "Moero Crystal H"
“...How did they get away with this?”
This was a sentence that I found myself repeating over and over again during my time with Moero Crystal H. The third game in the Genkai Tokki series (and a remaster of a Japan-exclusive Vita release), the sort of adventure that it takes you on is by no means a fun-for-all romp. Rather, Idea Factory and Compile Heart’s RPG is brimming with more erotic content than a box set of the Leisure Suit Larry series. And yet, because it wears that raunch with confidence, I can’t help but love it!
Right at the get-go, Moero Crystal H sets its players up for a wild ride. There is peace in the world because of the protection given by the Bra of Darkness and the Panties of Light. When the Bra is stolen by a mysterious creature, it is up to you and a gang of monster girls to use the Panties of Light to seek its location. While traversing through the six realms, you will come across other monster girls that have been hypnotized by the Bra, which will need help being snapped out of by the Panties.
Still with me after that explanation? Good!
The gameplay is similar to The Lost Child, where players roam on a 3D map as they seek treasure, items, and the hypnotized monster girls. As they tread on through, they will be attacked frequently by other creatures that will attempt to make short work of your monster girl crew. With a mixture of regular attacks and magic, players will have to defeat these baddies, which will aid in leveling up your roster and earn more items. When it comes time to face off against a monster girl, that’s when the battle can get, well, interesting.
Instead of attacking the monster girl head-on, you’ll be enticed to instead destroy their clothing. Doing so will have you entering scratch mode, where poking the monster girls in the right spots will not only calm them down, but also convince them to join your roster. Each girl has a different points to poke, meaning there will be a lot of trial, error, and possibly no second date if you get it wrong. (This is where the Switch’s touchscreen comes in handy most.)
By now, I’m sure I’ve already lost the interest of some of you readers. To be frank, I don’t blame some of you for having a grimace look on your face over what Moero Crystal H delivers to its players. But that’s part of the fun that this game showcases, as its pervertedness is paraded around with loud fanfare and a blizzard of confetti. Like this year’s anime Interspecies Reviewers, it relishes on just how dirty it is, and it goes nearly all the way to deliver a huge laugh like nobody’s business.
This is the kind of game where enemy creatures are sentient vibrators, hug pillows, and crumpled-up tissues filled with DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?! It also has the monster girls moaning with pleasure over your touches, and even opens the door to court them in their rooms. Love Hotels are used to temporarily buffer up HP and MP, and a Galaga-styled arcade shooter washing off clothes to find hidden areas on the monster girls. And yes, its cute mascot seal character looks like a man’s ding dong. What of it?!
I laughed! By the gods of sex comedies, Moero Crystal H made me laugh harder than any video game I’ve played this year! And that laughter was certainly the reaction that Idea Factory and Compile Heart wanted to get out of its players. It’s a video game that must be seen to believe, as the antics you and the monster girls get into equate to someone blowing up the ESRB headquarters, and shouting a sexual cry of freedom over its rubble.
Fortunately, it’s also a very stellar (and challenging) RPG. The fights with these monsters will lead you to having to strategize who you’ll attack first, and how you’ll defeat them. Not every battle is a walk in a park; in fact, most of them can be very challenging, to the point where I highly suggest buying all the antidotes and medicines you can afford at the shop. Hell, even the monster girl battles are tough, especially when some of them unleash a powerful attack that knocks out half of your party! Basically, Moero Crystal H is saying to its players, “If you want the lewds, then you gotta earn them!”
That does lead me to my minor complaint with the game. It’s very difficult to find a save point on the maps, as they come by very sparsely. In fact, not only did I lose a lot of gameplay because I died halfway through a world, but I often had to exit out of the level just so I can save what I currently earned. This resulted in me having to re-battle certain monsters and try my best not to get everyone killed along the way!
One other slight issue is playing Moero Crystal H docked on the TV. This was a game made to take advantage of the touchscreen aspect of the Switch’s portable mode, especially when it comes to recruiting new monster girls. As such, using the Joy-Cons to try to get poke happy is as difficult as getting your freak on in pitch blackness. And like that analogy, touching the wrong spots will only lead to unhappiness from both parties.
Despite these two flaws, it’s hard not to recommend what this game has to offer. While the game runs slightly shorter than most RPGs in its genre, it makes up for it with its very funny story, intentionally goofy voice acting, and some great little mini-games. Players can also hunt down various outfits for the monster girls in the levels, many of which are so scandalous that it leaves almost nothing to the imagination. (The game also features all of the DLC for free, so no worries of having to drop any extra coin for the full experience.)
PROS:
- Very funny story, lovable characters
- Great turn-based RPG gameplay
- Very challenging
CONS:
- Not enough save spots
- Docked mode controls are difficult
- Prudes won’t have a good time
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Moero Crystal H is perverted, raunchy, and full of visuals that somehow magically didn’t give this game an Adults Only-rating. It’s also the funniest RPG since South Park: The Stick of Truth, one that takes pride in its naughtiness while delivering a stellar gaming experience. It is by no means a game for everyone, but those who embark on an adventure with these monster girls will no doubt march out triumphantly with a goofy grin on their face. Persona 5 it is not, but Moero Crystal H is one of the best RPGs you can find on the Switch, for both the right and wrong reasons!
FINAL GRADE:
Promotional consideration provided by Jeffrey Matulef of Plan of Attack
